Book week: A Yam on the Pull, short story by Nikesh Shukla
18th September, 2007
As part of Book Week on AIM magazine, we publish an exclusive short story by upcoming writer and musician Nikesh Shukla.
The bananas had told the yam that the juiciest avocado fancied him. The yam couldn't really get this through his head.
She had never said anything to him. Plus in that pretend humble part of his brain, he thought, no one ever fancies me! On the one hand, the bananas were outrageous gossips, so they could very well be lying.
On the other… the juiciest avocado had been seen harrumphing every time he had been picked up, caressed and fondled by one of the shopping ladies. She had been throbbing with juicy jealousy at the shows of affection the yam was being shown.
The bananas were now backing up this story with their snickering gossip. The yam wasn't sure what to believe. But he decided to give the bananas the benefit of the doubt, because the juiciest avocado sure looked tasty.
The yam needed a plan. He needed to find a way to find out the truth. Obviously, the yam thought, the easiest way would be to just go up to the juiciest avocado and ask her out. But, the yam had grown up on a steady diet of American sitcoms, and he had learnt everything he knew from those sitcoms.
He knew that the only way to ask a girl out was to come up with an insensitive emotionally stunted unnecessarily outlandish plan to win her over. He thought for a few minutes. He came up with three separate plans, which he actualised over the course of the day.
Plan A: The yam picked on a bunch of cherry tomatoes, squelching them all with his immense weight, feeling their juices pulse out underneath him as he crushed them, menacingly. This was meant to demonstrate a display of power and strength.
Plan B: The yam helped a particularly old and yellowing broccoli be picked up and sold over the newer, fresher broccolis. She was being left behind while the new (and organic) stock was being picked. He helped to push her over the edge into a passing basket.
The customer did not notice, and thus, the old decrepit broccoli was bought, and saved from death as mulch, or rubbish bin. This demonstrated his kindness, sensitivity and willingness to help people in need.
Plan C: The yam planted a microphone under the box of juicy avocados, to try and eavesdrop on their conversation, to ensure that the juiciest avocado did fancy him and was talking about him. Also, he wanted to find out what her favourite things were, so he could pretend they were his favourite things too.
This was a secret mission, and meant to demonstrate his cunning, initiative and ruthlessness in getting what he wanted. He found out that the juiciest avocado enjoyed hummus, travelling and books by Will Self.
The yam, armed with his new knowledge and the kudos from successfully carrying out plans A and B, strode over to the juicy avocado's box, with some tulips and strawberries in his arm, ready to ask the juiciest avocado out on a date.
He looked up in panic and horror, as a blonde yoga teacher from Brockley picked up the juiciest avocado, smiled at her juiciness, mumbled something about craving guacamole and skipped off to find some organic smoked garlic and bell peppers to actualise her plan. The yam shed a tear and returned to his box, sad.
The moral of the story: Time waits for no yam. And don't watch too many American sitcoms.
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Nikesh Shukla (Yam Boy) is an author and musician from London. Having just returned from Kenya, he recently completed his first novel 'I've Forgotten My Mantra' and a new album 'Superheroic' (2008). His work has been featured on BBC2, Radio 4 and at the Royal Festival Hall.
www.myspace.com/yamtastico
The bananas had told the yam that the juiciest avocado fancied him. The yam couldn't really get this through his head. She had never said anything to him. Plus in that pretend humble part of his brain, he thought, no one ever fancies me! On the one hand, the bananas were outrageous gossips, so they could very well be lying.
On the other… the juiciest avocado had been seen harrumphing every time he had been picked up, caressed and fondled by one of the shopping ladies. She had been throbbing with juicy jealousy at the shows of affection the yam was being shown.
The bananas were now backing up this story with their snickering gossip. The yam wasn't sure what to believe. But he decided to give the bananas the benefit of the doubt, because the juiciest avocado sure looked tasty.
The yam needed a plan. He needed to find a way to find out the truth. Obviously, the yam thought, the easiest way would be to just go up to the juiciest avocado and ask her out. But, the yam had grown up on a steady diet of American sitcoms, and he had learnt everything he knew from those sitcoms.
He knew that the only way to ask a girl out was to come up with an insensitive emotionally stunted unnecessarily outlandish plan to win her over. He thought for a few minutes. He came up with three separate plans, which he actualised over the course of the day.
Plan A: The yam picked on a bunch of cherry tomatoes, squelching them all with his immense weight, feeling their juices pulse out underneath him as he crushed them, menacingly. This was meant to demonstrate a display of power and strength.
Plan B: The yam helped a particularly old and yellowing broccoli be picked up and sold over the newer, fresher broccolis. She was being left behind while the new (and organic) stock was being picked. He helped to push her over the edge into a passing basket.
The customer did not notice, and thus, the old decrepit broccoli was bought, and saved from death as mulch, or rubbish bin. This demonstrated his kindness, sensitivity and willingness to help people in need.
Plan C: The yam planted a microphone under the box of juicy avocados, to try and eavesdrop on their conversation, to ensure that the juiciest avocado did fancy him and was talking about him. Also, he wanted to find out what her favourite things were, so he could pretend they were his favourite things too.
This was a secret mission, and meant to demonstrate his cunning, initiative and ruthlessness in getting what he wanted. He found out that the juiciest avocado enjoyed hummus, travelling and books by Will Self.
The yam, armed with his new knowledge and the kudos from successfully carrying out plans A and B, strode over to the juicy avocado's box, with some tulips and strawberries in his arm, ready to ask the juiciest avocado out on a date.
He looked up in panic and horror, as a blonde yoga teacher from Brockley picked up the juiciest avocado, smiled at her juiciness, mumbled something about craving guacamole and skipped off to find some organic smoked garlic and bell peppers to actualise her plan. The yam shed a tear and returned to his box, sad.
The moral of the story: Time waits for no yam. And don't watch too many American sitcoms.
----------------
Nikesh Shukla (Yam Boy) is an author and musician from London. Having just returned from Kenya, he recently completed his first novel 'I've Forgotten My Mantra' and a new album 'Superheroic' (2008). His work has been featured on BBC2, Radio 4 and at the Royal Festival Hall.
www.myspace.com/yamtastico
